This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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