broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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