I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
