hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Randomize
