if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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