Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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