apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Randomize
