Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
i came on her dog
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
