Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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