Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
