I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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