she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
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