All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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