4 words: hood of his car
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
