you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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