Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
