I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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