shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
