My cat gives me a boner
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
