just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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