When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize