So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
