Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize