Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
