I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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