I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
