stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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