My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize