FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
