Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
