My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I booty called her while she was in labor.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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