I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize