is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
