I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Randomize
