I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
