why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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