Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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