I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
