My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize
