thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize