A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
