I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
