Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
