Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
