dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
