you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
