i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
