I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
