he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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