i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
