My pussy is not your playground.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
