a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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