remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize