I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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