The maid of honor just puked.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
