She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
