the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
