Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
