I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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