You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Randomize